Knowlege is power for the power hungry

This blog is simply a suppliment for my listeners, be it only 5, to experience a small taste of my mind. i know my own mind best, and although seeking to know others' minds as well, I can only speak for myself. Thus commences the e-literary journey with one of the personal gems that fuel my inspiration, "i don't know".

"I don't know!" It has been a recent, stubborn adjustment in my recognizably small existence, to embrace the concept of "I don't know." If there were a cartoon character based upon my life, his name would be durke, and his catch phrase would be "duh....I dunno."

Speaking of "I don't know", I haven't the most shroom induced idea why in the world I thought of a cartoon character, but if I were cartooned into animated canon, I would probably be the apparent know-it-all, talking dog professor, who eloquently tests everybody's knowledge of literature, history, science, or music trivia. Upon stumping everybody with whimsical quearies, and pompous tests of intillect, I'd smirk through my canine spectacles, with folded arms as they'd ask, "WELL?...WHAT'S THE ANSWER?" Then I'd shrug my little dog shoulders and go, "mmmm....I dunno either, but I'm still wagging my tail." Not actually...in fact I don't know where the cartoon reference really comes from. But in ironic reference to it, I guess i don't have to, do I? Them's the rules! The jist is, why are we obsessed with "knowing"? In the words of Ben folds, "why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?"

It has become a more apparent observation that much of idiocy has been excused and compensated by post nominal abbreviations, power suits, prominent heritage, or cultural consensus of authority. One who seems to wear the perverbial "lab coat" is rewarded 10 times the credence of somebody who has actually spent his time in the lab, or better yet, genuine life. In other words, I tend to respect one who earns the title "PhD" by way of incidental biproduct, far more than someone who seeks after the same title as a self excusing token of superior status. The latter may abuse the culturally worshipped tokens as an exlusion of human involvement.

I find a strong resemblance between the stages of greiving (which I accept only for what they are: man made, categorical observations) and the process of letting go of "knowing". It's a violent, depressing, exhausting battle within one's mind to critically examine the conceptual mansions one has built, and be willing to accept the seemingly solid, concrete foundation as possible origami...intricate to behold, but as structural as soup. It's like the death and rebirth of a soul to let go of the self confirming bias we often call "knowledge", and embrace the anxiety inducing chaos that comes with looking the unknowns square in the eyes. As a metaphor of course...i don't know if they have eyes, and if they do, they're watching me from a damn good hiding place.

I fear lest I'm misunderstood to mean that i don't agree with learning, and the pursuit of knowledge as it referrs to comprehension and stretching of the mind. I crave exploration, research, theories, etc. The main difference is there always must be room for supplimentary information to ammend previous suspicions. Otherwise we're just filling in the gaps of unknown with comforting biases. I speak of using "I know" as a crutch to excuse ignorance. The surviving persistence of lazy bias engulfs many, and easily does so by using the fuel of fear to feed the ignorant side of dissonance. The perception difference between those who feel they have arrived at their final conclusion, and those who leave the door open to further understanding and mind altering ammendment, is often expressed through resulting action.

One of the most paralyzing, and self destructive abuses of "knowledge" is inaction until one is sure of the outcome of their action. What a great way to constantly mediocre, safely survival oriented life. Besides, any surety of an outcome is trumped by what I call the asteroid principle anyway...at any moment our supposed security could be destroyed by armageddon anyway...and Ben Afleck will be nowhere to save us. I understand well the fear of taking a chance...looking at the unknown and yet running as hard as I can to see what I can MAKE out of it rather than wondering what it's going to turn out to be. At times the result of my decision to vulnerably hold my arms out, hopefully aiming for self stretching nirvana has hurt so profoundly as to render me sobbing in the fetal position in a sewer of self loathing. Other times I have experienced such exquisite joy on the other side of the blind leap, that all I posess is raw expression to fall to my knees in gratitude and, without weak words, simply nod.

It's a personal belief from my own experience, that real inner peace can be heavily realized by admitting that "I don't know, but I'm fine the way I am." Not in a lazy, helpless way, but in a way that embraces choice, creation, decision, and pure, unprecedented authoring. Rather than relying on the demon of "fate" to puppeteer us through decisions, may we cut the strings of TRUE helplessness and courageously accept our wobbly kneed walk on wet soil. Rather than blame God for a predestined dot-to-dot, may we open our hearts to TRUE faith, pray our guts out for strength, and then work like hell to learn how to swim in the water once seen as hardwood. To quote one of the few verses that has brought convicted tears to my eyes,


"...It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul."

-William E. Henley-